The heart that keeps breaking

 The shatters of glass keep cutting my hands as I bleed out my love for you. Wondering if you'll hold my hands one day and heal me the way you did in the fondest of my memories... I love you from the shattered pieces of me. My love is in my blood, it sometimes holds like glue.. But dissolves and runs and leaves me alone when I feel the loneliness that's been occupying my head. I'm falling apart, I'm failing the test. This might be the end, not sure I'm surviving this...I am not the strong person people tell me they see. I'm weak. Helpless.. failing and I'll kill you with me if you stand to close.. best to leave. Everyone does. Best to go. So I can say I told you so.. because the pain is mor familiar than the healing, and sometimes I think I'd rather be bleeding. Bleeding out all my love till I'm dying in my loneliness because bleeding out feels better than healing. Healing hurts. It takes so much time. Dying finished the waiting... it ends the wondering and the suffering.. there's no more failing when you quit the game... sure I'll never win, but I won't lose either.... Apathy...comatose maybe? The median of Dying and living... comatose but breathing. Alive but alone... I'll stay alive, so you don't feel bad leaving me alone.

The One

There goes the one i love.
Whose hands i miss holding,
Whose thoughts i miss knowing,
Who always knows just how to console me,
The one who was always there.
That is the heart i love,
So full of care and kindness,
So blessed with strength and liveliness,
So colorful and bright as to light the winter nights,
For whom I'll always care.
There goes the one i crave,
My heart fills with desire,
My body needs the fire,
My soul is screaming silently,
For a second chance at bliss.
I miss your kiss,
Your lips,
Your face,
Your arms around my waist,
I miss the days when your side was my place
There goes my heart beat racing,
Inside myself pacing,
Challenging my bravery,
Hoping that one day I'll see
The sun come out upon your face,
And finally you'll hear me say,
You are the one i love.

Do you know

Do you know how i want to kiss you?
The way i light up at the mention of your name, or blush at the sound of your voice saying you love me...
Do you know i listen to those words on repeat when im down and dream of the day you pull me into your arms and tell me its time. 
Do you that your smile sends butterflies from my heart to my stomach. And that you can turn my day around when i feel like crying.
Do you know how often i think of you. How i long to feel your lips on mine again...to be held tightly to you as the blissful moments pass.
I loved you before i knew. Before i knew what loving you would do. Its joyous agony to like you after i already loved you. The most painful bliss to be beside you but not that way.
Longing has become my eternal fate. Intense love of one who could so quickly become my very best friend. A partner in crime and in life. In complaints and in joy.
Do you know how much i wish i could have you? Just the smallest part of you?

Her Eyes

Her eyes... the ice blue that shakes my world with love and worry, adoration and lust....her eyes, frozen in my mind, in my heart..  embedded  in my memory so that as I try to drift to sleep... I see...her eyes... and i know those eyes, every time they find my face.. every time I search their depths, trying to see, trying to know the thoughts in the beautiful mind behind those eyes, and i know.... that her eyes....her eyes are the eyes I want to stare into from now untill forever. .. in her eyes, I am love. In her eyes, I can see myself the way she sees me, the way they see me too. In her eyes, I am frightened because in her eyes I am beauty. A beauty I have never believed that I could be and yet in her eyes that is exactly the me that I see because in her eyes me is good me is enough... in her eyes.... in her eyes I see 27 years to come... in her eyes I see her loving me and in my heart I know that she is a love i will cherish forever.... in her eyes, I will always see my own because in her eyes is where I wabt to stare... in her eyes, i see my heart, and in my heart, I love her so.

Terrors of my sleep

I lay awake.
I lay asleep.
I lay forever,
My perpetual dreams.
I know I'm wrong,
I'll never be,
The one I am,
When I'm asleep.
I can see them
Evolving scenes.
While I lay lost,
Inside my dreams.
Impossible to know,
The perfect peace.
Forever lay awake
In screaming sleep.
I hear him cry,
She kissed his cheek,
While in other rooms,
Another weeps.
Though as they cry,
and kiss and weep,
Their changing roles,
While I feign sleep.
I listen in silence ,
To my brother weep,
and I know that soon,
He'll evolve without me.

A Ring Around My Cold, Dead Heart

A ring around my dead heart
Bring the rain to wash the pain, erase the fear, draw rainbows near,

I sit alone among the crowd, next to friends, alone again.

Breaking heart that lies to me, chase away, I’m not happy.

Lonely world will swallow me, I fade away, I’ve lost the day.

Upon my face I wear a smile, I’m in denial, my lungs hold bile.

In side my heart the river burns, the fire’s cold, i’m lost, i’m sold.

Again I fight another day, nothing to hope, no words to say.

Until my love will live again, I die inside, I cry and hide.

A ring of ice has oust my fire, left no desire, I feel so tired,

Demons dance around my heart, cold fire starts, I fall apart.

Roses weep as I die, silently cry, loosing my life.

Ring around the lifeless heart, cold fire burned me down.

Unrequited Love

I control my lungs,
But you can change my breathing.
My heart works on its own,
But you can speed its beating.
My lips have many uses,
Kissing yours is just a plus.
I’ve laid mine eyes on finer things,
Still you're the one i’m dreaming of.
In good and bad I've risked my heart,
Often offered love that's true.
I’ve been in love a dozen times,
And now's my time for lovin’ you.
I’ve shed my tears, I’ve shown my smile,
Been through my share of ups and downs.
And still I’ve never loved this way,
Until the day you came around.
I don’t expect your heart to match,
My love in time or depth.
I know you don’t feel me deep,
My name won’t grace your dying breath.
Instead, i wish for you to know,
That when it comes down to it.
You've earned the right to hold my heart,
I hope you don’t abuse it.

What do I see

When I look around me,
What do i see?
I see joy, and pain.
Confidance, low self-esteem.
I see struggles and success.
I see everything.
When I look around me I see all of life,
I see even death.
I see how the earth breaths,
How she cries,
Even how she bleeds.
I see children at play,
Adults at work.
Glutany, starvation,
Joy and rage.
I see the complication of life and death
And then I look at me.
Why do I feel empty.
Forgotten and alone.
Pathetic, worthless,
Endless nothingness.
A being who will never have a place.
Why do I fight to be seen,
Scream to be heard
Why do I continue to try
When nothing is for me
But the bleak empty void.
The shell that I am.
A husk of a person.
Im I  really alive?
It seems like a crule joke.
How could I be living
When I know myself to be
Insignificant.
So you ask me,
What do I see
When I look at me?
I see nothing.
I am nothing.

If I should have a daughter by Sarah Kay

This is a poem my best friend showed me a few years ago... I absolutely love it. The author's name is Sarah Kay and her poem was featured on TED Talks on March 21 2011. I found the video on YouTube, so I will include that link here:

https://youtu.be/0snNB1yS3IE

Maybe I Should Scream

Maybe I should scream,
Maybe I should yell,
Maybe I should run away,
Save me from my hell,
Maybe I should dance,
Maybe I should sing,
Maybe I should try some more,
To block the memory,
Maybe I should stop,
Maybe I should bleed,
Maybe I should fight against,
The demons haunting me,
Maybe I am blind,
Maybe I’m too kind,
Maybe I’m so dumb,
To let him walk on me,
Maybe its to late,
Maybe life is fake,
Maybe there’s no happyever after,
Not for me.